Yes, men do get confused about what they want in their relationships. Or if they even want to be in a relationship. Too often the women in such situations tend to analyze themselves before giving a thought to what might be causing these sudden alterations in their partner’s mind.
A year ago, a friend came to me with a heavy heart, extremely confused by her boyfriend’s sudden change in mood after a short trip he made back in his hometown to visit his parents
My friend thought that he had probably seen an old friend, an ex-lover, or perhaps his parents did not like her and now he was second-guessing their relationship. When she confronted her partner’s changing behavior, it turned out, she was half right, he was second-guessing their relationship, but it was not due to that trip he made, or some ex-love. It was because he did not feel that spark anymore in their relationship – that he was confused about what he wants.
Often, women in such situations tend to analyze themselves before giving a thought to what might be causing these sudden alterations in their partner’s mind. It is very common for a woman to feel like she is the carrier of the baggage of the entire relationship, and this is why she feels it her duty to ensure her boyfriend is satisfied with her and their relationship.
However, it is not a very healthy choice to make every time your partner feels lost in a pit of confusion and cannot climb back up. If he feels stranded somewhere on a lonely spot, on your “love island”, it is his responsibility to communicate with you and let you know about any uncertainties or issues he perceives in the relationship.
You are not a “help center” for every man who feels confused and ambivalent in your relationship, and if you make the mistake of giving him the unwarranted attention and effort that he feels you should do, you are just making him accustomed to become dependent on you, putting the blame of everything that may go wrong in the relationship on you, and never make the effort of taking things in his own hands and becoming serious about your relationship.
There are a number of books and relationship gurus out there who would pledge to save your dying relationship or relieve you from the woes of your boyfriend’s confused state of mind, and it can be pretty intense for you to begin reading all that material, especially when you are on the brink of losing your partner and the termination of your relationship.
But you are looking for some quick help, right? Well, this is where this article offers a few guidelines and cautionary steps.
1. DO NOT PANIC
First, do not panic.
This is probably not the “right” thing to say to someone who is reading this right now, biting her nails and totally freaking out! But we have to say this. If you start to overthink and stress over what could possibly go wrong with your man, you would be just giving him more reasons to rethink this relationship and perhaps even terminate it instantly.
Going from a hundred texts a day to one, or just dry, small talk, can be painful, and it is. But you should not lose your calm.
You do not have to lose your peace over a man who is confused about a very significant aspect of his life. Give him some time – but not too much that he starts taking advantage of your leniency and “ignores” you. Be the bigger person, give the man an ultimatum, he thinks about it and you can have a civil conversation, like a normal couple.
2. Understand That It Is Okay To Feel Confused Or Lost Sometimes, “To Err Is Human”
Alexander Pope did not say that in the context of millennial relationships, nevertheless, the meaning still implies that human beings are prone to make mistakes and do things that may seem out-of-the-way, this is what makes us human after all.
If a man thinks he is incapable of committing to you, maybe he is doubting his abilities and considers himself not worthy of your affection and attention, but who are we kidding? There are only a few men out there who truly think that.
But you, as the epitome of a wise and well-informed woman, should be receptive to anyone, not just your boyfriend, when they are all torn up about something that might be easy to comprehend for you. Every person has a world of their own, inside their head, rotating around the bigger world out here.
It is not easy for people to develop new feelings and sentiments in every relationship, so quickly. Maybe your boyfriend still feels troubled by the remnants of the previous relationship, and just requires time and patience to move on.
3. Do Not Force The Situation
So, you need to maintain your sanity, and for that you need to make sense of your partner’s state of mind. But while attempting the above, make sure you do not overwhelm your partner with what you think is the solution. Remember, we are talking about the male psyche – they just think different from us women.
Keep the following points in mind as you navigate the situation.
Stop Pressing For An Immediate “Talk”
Give him space, let him know that you are there to listen when he is ready to talk. BUT, as mentioned before, also let him know that time is slipping, and that you DO have to have that conversation. It can be done in a while, but it is mandatory – as you both need answers to gauge where you stand in each other’s lives.
Do Not Initiate Physical Intimacy
You might think that the physical intimacy might resolve his issues. Alternately, you could be feeling ignored or may be of the mindset that you need your own wants and desires taken care of too.
However, you need to be aware of the drawbacks resulting from physical intimacy when you and your partner have this awkward air of tension between you two.
Now this can be a tough one for some, as avoiding physical contact from your partner can be a battle of its own. But there is no point of having sex with someone for whom it is difficult to picture you alongside him in his mind. You are just allowing him to equate that with any other casual one-night stand in his mind.
Ladies, it may also simply be that he is just “playing” with your feelings, and avoiding commitment, because he wants the relationship to be purely physical, and nothing above that, or even worse, he could be involved with someone else, and you do NOT want that kind of a risk.
4. Self-Development and Stability
No doubt it is an anxious time: your partner is questioning the relationship, and you are questioning just about everything in existence – wanting this grey cloud of misery to pass already!
Further, being human there is only up to a certain point that you will be able to bear this uncertainty. Every time you reach breaking point and feel the need to do something drastic – if only to change the status quo, get out, do something else.
Go out with your girls, have fun, travel somewhere solo for the weekend, write out your feelings, or even seek a therapist to discuss whatever issues or questions you may have. The last thing you want is to find yourself stuck in place – convincing yourself that it is all okay, and you can take this.
Ultimately, if the man wants out – he wants out. And no number of guidelines or cautions or advice will work. But the next step is yours.
The moment you allow yourself to accept whatever it is, the way it is, you give the power to the other person to take control of you, of your emotions and your life. And that is something no strong and confident woman would let happen.